Are we the same person at different ages?

It’s early 2002, and my daughter Maria* is about 3 years old. I notice how much she has grown and I tell her “Wow, you have grown a lot; your hands are bigger, you are taller, and have just grown in every way”. She replies “Yes, but not that much. I haven’t grown very much”.

Sensing that she is a bit apprehensive about growing up and of the potential changes that it might lead to, I say “Don’t you want to grow up?”. She says “No”. I ask “Do you want to remain a kid and keep doing what you like best, like watching Thomas the train and Teletubbies and Winnie the Pooh on TV?”. Initially she says “Yes”, but then she thinks about it for a while and says “No, I want to grow up, but when I grow up like you and mom, I still want to watch Thomas the train and Teletubbies and Winnie the Pooh”.

Looking back on this event, it becomes clear that she didn't want the set of things she liked to change. She liked the set of things she liked and somehow they defined her, who she was. She didn’t want those things to change because that would mean that she would become a different person, which would in turn mean that the person who was telling me these things would cease to exist.

To see this more clearly, imagine that you like rock and roll and beer and you are about to walk through some door, and you know that after emerging through that door you will no longer like rock and roll and beer. Instead, you will like classical music and wine. It would be a bit sad and scary to go through that door because, even though you will like classical music and wine as much as you like rock and roll and beer now, you don't want not to like rock and roll and beer. Your current set of likes and dislikes define who you are to a certain degree and if that changes, you change, your identity changes.

Who are we, what defines us as individuals, if not the set of things we like and dislike and the way we think? By going through that door, you will change, you will essentially become a new person, which means that the old you will cease to exist.

This happens to us throughout life. But, the change is most drastic when a person moves from childhood to adulthood: the set of likes and dislikes and the way the person thinks changes radically. In many ways, it's not the same person any more.

Maria anticipated this change and did not want it. She wanted to stay the same person. She wanted to be the person who likes Thomas the train and Teletubbies and Winnie the Pooh.

Maria is now 12 years old, and, of course, she no longer likes Thomas the train and Teletubbies and Winnie the Pooh. The person I had that conversation with is no more.

A few months ago, looking at pictures of her at different ages, I noticed how different she was at different stages, not just physically, but also in behavior and attitude. I said to her “You know, there really isn’t just one Maria. It’s almost as if I don’t have just one daughter through all these years, but a different daughter at different times. There is Maria-the-3-year-old, Maria-the-8-year-old, and now Maria-the-12-year-old. Each of these with her own personality. And of course, we still have more to come, like Maria-the-teenager, Maria-the-college-student, and many more beyond that.” 

She got excited at the thought, and started imagining what is yet to come, and thinking out loud about the possibilities.

* Maria is not her real name